So we (Lady G my Garmin GPS navigator and I) set off on the late flight to Norway. The flights were what you would hope for - uneventful. Then the events began.
The airport I flew into in Norway was very small. The rental car attendant directed me "go up the hill towards the white building to find your car." It was about 11:30 at night. I found the lot with about 30 cars, so I hit the unlock button to sound the homing beacon (thanks Sandra Bullock for that idea in the movie "While you were Sleeping").
Off to the hotel listening to a rental car CD with important instructions in some language. Now it was time for Lady G to shine. "Follow the E18" she said confidently. Easy enough, except for the cement barricades blocking the on-ramp for construction. So I just drove north a bit (perpenducular to the highway) until Lady G came to her senses and found a different route. I arrived at the hotel around midnight.
I checked into the hotel and asked the front desk attendant where to park. He directed me to the parking garage under the hotel. Simple enough.
I parked and got all my stuff out of the car and then saw the red sign over my parking space that said (translated) "you have no idea what this sign says so you better not park here." No prob, I just moved the car down a bit and walked to the hotel entrance.
Then I read a sign on the hotel door reminding dumb Americans to prepay the parking. I am used to paying for hotel parking at the end of the stay. Na ja (means oh well in German). I proceeded to the automated pay machine which I later named The Devil.
American Visa debit card number 1 - strip down and to the right just like the machine said. No dice. I figured I would go German on this evil machine and tried my German debit card. Surely that would work. The Devil denied me again. American debit card number two. Nope. Last resort emergency medical Visa card? It wasn't everywhere I wanted it to be.
So, back to my new best friend at the front desk. I showed him my card, and he said it didn't have a chip. I showed him my German card, complete with a chip, and he said it would work. I went down to the garage again. This time I was armed with confidence and positive thinking.
It turns out willpower cannot make a card work in a machine. I remembered another card I had. Bingo. I made it to the next screen in the Devil's plan. I selected the fee amount and hit purchase. The Devil thought for a moment and then cancelled the transaction. I thought I heard laughter.
Back to my best friend. By now it was about 12:30 in the morning, and I started wondering how bad it could really be to get towed in a foreign country.
The Devil likes cash, so I asked where I could find an ATM. A little midnight drive to the ATM yielded the cash needed. I had defeated the Devil at last. I put my cash into the cash sucker slot and.....nothing. No cash sucking. Really? Back to my best friend. He exchanged my bills for coins.
Victory over the Devil was mine at last. It took about 15 coins to get me to 8:00 the next morning.
I learned a little about the exchange rate when I turned in my cash at the end of the trip. At the ATM I just pressed one of the preset amounts not knowing I was taking out about 700 dollars.
Cost to park in the garage one full day - 9200 krones. Cost of the hotel room for one night - 9700 krones.
Imagine paying the amount for a hotel room to park in a garage with only change in a city the size of Fredricksburg, Ohio (very small town). That's just not right in any language. The next day I found a lot down the street that was free after 6. Nice. Take that Devil.
My meeting went well, and I had a nice dinner of fish soup and a giant hamburger at the hotel.
The only task left was getting home. I had a 6:30 flight the next morning, so I printed out my boarding pass and asked the front desk attendant how long the drive was. I also asked what was up with the closed highway. She said it was a half hour drive and they only close the highway late at night.
I got up at 5am because there is just something (in this case stupidity) that will not allow me to get up with a 4 showing on the clock. Half hour drive to go 15 km. No problem.
Problem. I got to the highway, and the ramp was closed. So much for my insider information.
I needed to go west, so I drove north using my previously successful tactic. This time Lady G didn't get the hint. She kept giving me safe U-turn options. I zoomed out on the map to see if I could find a parallel road to the highway. Nothing.
I cut bait, headed back south of the highway and found a little road. Lady G came to her senses and recalculated. All was good now.
Lady G led me to the next highway on-ramp. Closed. Lady G - get with it, man.
I stopped and searched for the non-highway setting. I couldn't find it. So I reset the trip on Lady G to see if I could find the non-highway setting. That's when I realized I was 20 minutes into my 30 minute drive and I had progressed a total of 2 km closer to the airport with no good plan to get there.
I did the map zoom again and saw a connector road on the map parallel to the highway. It was a small road (keep in mind it showed as a road on Lady G). I came to a sign that had a car symbol crossed out. "Huh" I thought to myself.
Still, I was undaunted. The road looked kind of like residence driveways, and there were tire tracks in the snow. I kept going.
I popped over a small hill to a downhill stretch that was drifted with snow about 1.5 feet deep. But it only covered 3/4 of the road. With the downhill direction, I knew it was a one way trip because I wasn't going to be able to drive back up this hill. I stopped the car briefly to ponder my options.
Do or die. Make the flight or don't make the flight.
My little Volvo was eager for the challenge like the Little Nash Rambler. It was time. I got about halfway through and then the car started to sloooow doooown. The huevos this car displayed at the top of the hill had shriveled to raisins at the bottom. My old Ford Tempo would have eaten this road for breakfast.
Tires started spinning, and my life flashed before my eyes. I barely made it to the end of the drift crawling. Whew. Made it.
As I continued, I found myself driving in a farmer's field. Keep in mind this was a one-way trip at this point - no turning back. I made it to the end of the tractor path to see the highway entrance and the large snow drift that spilled out onto the connecting road.
I got my Dukes of Hazzard on and hit the drift at about 40 mph. Yeee Haw! Made it to pavement baby.
Luckily, this ramp was open, and I was back on course. Just as I hit the end of the on-ramp Lady G chimed in with this revelation: "Road closed - Recalculating."
I am not a violent man, but if Lady G made that statement from the passenger seat, I would have punched her in the face.
The words "I love you E18" we're uttered out loud in the car as I opened the window in the -6°C weather to cool off.
So I parked the car at the airport and dropped the key in the slot. Wouldn't you know it - bag search time at the security gate. This from the same airline that has allowed me on three international flights without ever checking my ID to this point.
I made the gate with 5 minutes to spare. Don't you just love happy endings?
